Chatter

There are times when nostalgia does seep into my consciousness, evoking a tension in my temples that might be construed as emotional distress. At these times, I try to just grin and toss off a casual remark. Then I bring my will to the fore, and it reasserts itself.

I have changed. I don't think it's in doubt. I have broadened my spectrum of enjoyment of food somewhat. I have become more demanding and critical, both of others and myself. Arrogance has mellowed somewhat into a a calmer self-assurance of superiority. I am more cautious, less willing to take a step further than I can sustain. I am more judgmental and disdainful of those who fall short of my estimation, which is almost everybody. I expect a great deal from others, but am less angry when they fail to deliver. I have adopted a less angry, more detached attitude to life. I pretend less. No longer do I fake approval when it means so little to me.

The people I have met have changed me. I wonder if I have changed them. But the bulk of the metamorphoses have resulted from a gradual loss of interest in many things, and a growing need for mental stimulation.

Oddly, the reverse has occurred in some arenas. I no longer feel the need to fill every moment of every interaction with mindless chatter and mildly amusing stories. Instead, with some people, silences are not uncomfortable, but part of what I desire from them. I can sit and enjoy a sunny afternoon on the lake without a word, or browse a bookstore quietly, or point out something amusing and smile without needing to make snide comments.

I have wasted something like $600 of free food and drink today. All because I went to Trotter's a week too late. Ah well, c'est la vie.

I find the word written on my paper fan to be of immense use. Very inspirational. I have a stone tablet with the same word on it. I shall hang it in a prominent place.

I will miss the lot of them. I think I will, anyway. Yes, even you. I hope.

Chatter chatter chatter. If you read this a lot, then you need another hobby, but I shall produce something more coherent when I feel more coherent. Currently, I want to lazily free-associate. Of course, the less coherent you are, the more narrow free-association tends to be. Which appears to be the case here.

I shall gladly walk away from some people. Others, I may even weep over.