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Laying Blame

In the past couple of weeks, two people have separately tried to apologise for things that I am long past assigning blame for. Taking pleasure in someone else's contrition, deserved or not, seems to me to be beneath me, or at least my self-image. I rarely apologise for anything I have done, especially if I do not feel that I have erred, and I do not see the need to accept apologies for affairs where no errors I care to think upon have been committed.

I do not claim to be faultless, but in many respects, my actions can hardly be seen as improper if all involved are perfectly clear going into things that said actions on my part were likely or certain. If a certain scenario is set up where my actions are easily predictable by those who set it up, I do not see how I can be blamed for taking those actions. It is entirely possible that these actions are unpleasant, lacking in social niceties, or otherwise unsatisfactory, but to assign blame is to castigate me for being who I am. That is an act of gross unfairness. If a mouse is placed into a cell with a piece of cheese, shall the experimenter fault the mouse for eating the cheese? Or more to the point, if an experiment is set up using this mouse, and the results are not exactly what the experimenter desired, how can the blame be placed upon the mouse? Perhaps blame can be placed upon the nature, upbringing, character and environment of the mouse, but to blame the mouse for doing what it did is pointless and childish. Gravity may be a painful lesson to learn, but only a very small child will blame gravity for a fall. A more appropriate location upon which to assign blame might be the choices made given the conditions.

In the case of a person, the conditions would be the pre-existing character, or personality if you prefer. If you know the personality of any given person, then it is possible to predict reactions and subsequent actions. If these predicted actions are unsatisfactory to you, then it would appear prudent to alter the inputs, so to speak. If all results are unsatisfactory, then adjust the inputs to the point where the negative effects are minimised. An alternative would of course be to avoid this situation altogether. Still, given that you know what's in store going in, the only real fault would be your own. In fact, if the results are better than expected, there is more blame available to be assigned then.

While this may seem like a nice way of justifying pretty much any action to yourself, I do apply this same method to my interactions with others. I admit that there are many times when I do become angry or irritated due to the actions of others. But this breaks down when I simply ask myself the question of whether I should have expected and anticipated the situation. In most cases, the answer is clearly yes. I knew what I was getting into, or I most certainly should have. The fault for any losses or wounds on my part must lie with myself.

Even in those cases where I could not have known beforehand the particular result I am dealing with, I find that things should certainly have been within my considered realm of possibilities. So the failure would be mine. I might not be guilty of knowingly inflicting damage upon myself, but a failure to be prepared is a similar failure, no less worthy of scorn. Should I fail in such a manner, then I most certainly deserve whatever I bring upon myself.

There is, of course, a set of circumstances where blame can be readily assigned. This is where a misrepresentation is made in a deliberate and deceitful manner. I refer here to those cases where a person seeks to deceive others with regards to their personality, and thus the actions to be expected from them. In large part, this can also be classified under the category of the expected, but I personally find deceit to be distasteful. Without information, or with distorted information, astute decisions can hardly be made. To engage in such deception is to attempt to warp the decisions of others. In such cases, the blame for any damage to occur cannot be assigned to the deceived, for the deceived can hardly be prepared for something that could not be known.

Without trying to sound like a SOSC reading, here is the gist of all this.

I am generally a very honest fellow. I have some problems deciding what I really want, but I am clear and unabashed about what I do know about myself. Should anyone care to ask, the truth is always readily available. The problem is that few indeed can bring themselves to believe the truth. The assumption is always that there is some sort of angle, some sort of agenda and deception being carried out. Bluntness can be subtle when directed at the sly. Suspicion and a failure to trust are the source of failure, certainly not a lack of honesty. I see little point in having to work so hard to create a fiction for no other reason than for it to be seen through. I seek not even that, but no more than the understanding of it. Not an easy thing. I cannot help but look for forked tongues myself.

What tortured me so in the past was the degree to which I had to pretend to agree with that which I felt to be in error. I gritted my teeth and nodded and made sympathetic noises when the most ridiculous things were said, or I would say what was clearly desired. The truth was pushed aside for others, the comfort of others placed above mine own. And when I could take it no more, and the truth came spilling forth, distorted as my truth was, it was just too much to handle. My disdain for some things came to the fore, and I stopped pretending. Clearly, the self that I was and am more comfortable with is too much effort for others to grasp and understand. I can forgive that, for I can hardly come to grips with it myself, but I cannot bend backwards to reach out to someone who is not willing to even try to reach back.

Unfortunately, now the time has come that I am not willing to make so significant an effort any more for so little. If others can demand so much of me, and I can fail to deliver, then I do not see why I cannot make similar levels of demands of others, and accept failure if that is the result.