Friday, February 25, 2005

I wish I have more time

You know those times when everything is just clicking in perfect form, and even when things go wrong, nothing is wrong?

I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't, not really. Until very recently. Even though the cab fares are massive, even though the photo exhibit closed half an hour after we got there, even though the weather was still pretty sharp, even though my shirt collar kept curling inwards, even though I was interrupted by a call, even though we got the wrong bottle of wine, and only realised it halfway through the bottle, even though my shoes were scuffed and dirty, even though I spent way too much money again, even though I had to hang about nordstrom for a good hour waiting. Despite everything, despite all the little things that would normally piss me off to no end, it's all good. I even forgot for a few hours, these few hours. Normally I would remember during those few hours in particular. Not this time.

So this is how it feels.

I should be studying for a midterm in 52 minutes

Wow, talk about a solution for losers.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Processing

Trapped in the basement of a hideous new structure, refusing to subject my wrung out mind to any more abuse today, I stubbornly scribble about matrices and parallelograms, ignoring the ancient repository of knowledge before me. Oh, I also take time out to tap out this pointless and meaningless entry.

I actually like this class. The professor is slow in his speech, but to listen to him is to really learn a great deal. He's interesting, I think. It really is too bad about the timing. 6 to 9 is alright, but I somehow have another 3 hour class before this one. Not reasonable to expect me to focus for 6 hours straight, absorbing information like a sponge. I've never really worked like a sponge anyway. It's more like a filter. I sift out what I find interesting and relevant, discarding the rest. The problem with this is that at some point, the filter becomes clogged, and needs to be cleared out. The useful becomes mixed up with the detritus of college education. A moment is necessary to clear my head, let that which was selected and absorbed be routed into permanent, or semi-permanent memory, toss out the filtered bits and start over.

The crucial thing to note is that the direction of flow is important. I can produce an output continuously for far longer than 6 hours. It is like reading as opposed to writing, except in an odd converse situation. Producing an output is analogous to reading, and absorbing information to writing. Now, I don't know about you, but when I write, as in hand on pen on paper, my hand gets tired after a relatively short period of time. I need to stop and rest for a bit before continuing, or the quality will drop dramatically. In opposition to this is the act of reading. Reading the same sentences over and over does not reduce the effectiveness of the act. It is the act of creation of new information that is tiring and difficult to sustain at a high level for long. To simply lift existing information is far easier. From the words that are already put down on paper, I could read for a long time indeed, rearranging and using the words to generate new sentences and thoughts almost indefinitely.

Perhaps I should try my hand at being a writer or something. Sounds like fun, and suitable to my style of information processing. Take in and adapt new information at my leisure, then from that store, created over time, make copies and weave new constructs. I like to think I'm not too shabby a word worker either. On the other hand, it probably won't pay very well, so that's an unlikely career choice. Maybe I'll take a crack at some short fiction, see if it's any good. You never know what could happen.

Ok, back to math and not listening to a Nobel laureate.

Monday, February 21, 2005

20 minutes

I think I've reached a point where my life is totally in disarray, and things are spiralling out of control. I'm just going to let things lie while I disappear off to Paris, the home for six months. Hopefully, after half a year of no physical contact, everything will dissipate.

Unfortunately, just as I meet someone who's smart and funny and charming and apparently totally in sync with me, I'm off. Actually, I don't really know that yet, considering I've only spoken with her for something like 20 minutes. Still, sometimes you just have a feeling. Well, I'll find out more on Friday. But a photography exhibition? Not sure I'm up to it. Hate being out of my depth. Whatever happened to the movies? Speaking of that, I loved Hitch. Sappy, cheesy, pointless, but funny and perfectly made. Great movie.

Wonder why I love movies so much? As a form of entertainment, I find them to really work, even better than the written word at times. Particularly when you have really great, nuanced performances. You get so much out of the way a person moves, or performs an action, or quirks an eyebrow, that it would seem contrived to put it down on paper. How can a writer convey the vulnerability that fills the scene when Marlon Brando tries on Eva Marie Saint's glove in On the Waterfront, or the sheer exuberance of Gene Kelly Singin' in the Rain? What would seem clumsy and awkward on paper becomes possible onscreen.

For me, the written word creates worlds and characters and stories. A movie captures moments. A movie is all about moments. Finding the right moments is what distinguishes the good from the bad.

Ah, I'm tired. Some other time.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

At least I like this character

naruto
Which Naruto Character are You?
Test by http://www.naruto-kun.com

Thursday, February 17, 2005

State of enlightenment

Hmmm, for some reason, not much has been rattling about my head recently. I think I've reached a state of enlightenment, where I really couldn't care less about a lot of things. Does that count as enlightenment?

Come to think about it, how does a person actually reach enlightenment anyway? After all, the classic methods don't seem to work. The more you meditate on life or whatever, the more problematic it seems to be. The solution appears to be withdrawal from the world. Sounds like escapism more than enlightenment to me.

Let's start by considering the meaning of being enlightened. If we define it as a state where more knowledge is attained, then a great many people are enlightened these days. After all, I'm pretty certain most modern academics have more knowledge under their belts than Buddha did in his day. Quality, not quantity, you say? Well then, that becomes a completely nebulous concept. How do you define the quality of knowledge? Which particular item of knowledge is more valuable than the next? Take an example, say if I had to choose between knowing how to play soccer brilliantly and how to build a working nuclear reactor. It would seem that the latter would be more valuable, but to use a positive measure, the former is worth far more. How many nuclear scientists do you see who make more money than their counterparts in professional sports? I can't think of another neutral method of assessing the worth of this knowledge. If this is the case, then David Beckham is pretty enlightened.

Unless you're a complete moron, you will realise that the last statement is patently untrue. So we are stuck. Enlightenment as knowledge cannot work unless we have some way of measuring the value of knowledge. This seems to be pretty easy for most people. We pass judgement quickly and unthinkingly on the quality of particular realms of knowledge without pausing to make a decent assessment. For example, most people will agree that a philosopher is somehow nobler than an economist. Now, why would this be the case? Assuming both have similar qualifications and levels of achievement in their fields, how is one realm of study superior to another? Because one makes more money than the other? Using that criterion, the more money you make, the less your knowledge is worth. Pretty counter-intuitive if you ask me. Applying that to different areas of knowledge breaks it down fairly easily.

Say you have two businessmen. One specialises in staplers and the other in manual typewriters. Both have equal levels of knowledge about their markets and products. The stapler peddler makes a ton of money, because everybody uses staplers, and he has the market cornered. The typewriter fellow also has his market cornered, but makes far less profit, because nobody buys manual typewriters these days. I think it's easy to conclude that knowledge of the stapler market is more valuable than knowledge of the typewriter market in this case. But that runs counter to the economist making more money, presumably, than the philosopher, but being deemed as possessed of less valuable knowledge.

Ah, but you cry, the businessmen used their knowledge in an external context. That knowledge would be useless without a society in which to sell these things. We must consider the value of knowledge in itself. Well, I say knowledge has no intrinsic value. There is no such thing as any item of knowledge that has a value in and of itself. The philosopher's knowledge is only valuable if he can apply in the context of himself, society, divinity, or whatever it is meant to apply to. What sort of philosophy has no grounding in anything? All knowledge requires some assumptions. Without assumptions, no thought can occur. Assumptions may run from society being sui generis, to sensory perceptions. So knowledge must be taken in context.

Discarding the idea of knowledge having intrinsic value, how may we assess the value of knowledge in its context? Things get more complicated here. As philosophy may be judged to be immensely valuable in the thinking of man, isn't economics equally important to society, if not more so? After all, economics affects people in a very direct way. Far more people find economics to be of greater interest than philosophy than the other way around. The average man on the street will probably be able to tell you something about labour economics or money supply, even if only in terms of how unions operate, or something of the like. Ask him about Aristotle or Descartes, you would be unlikely to get any details at all.

So people despise economists for dealing in a science which they find useful and interesting, but glorify philosophers for studying something that is interesting only as an abstract concept? Most people will probably tell you that philosophy would be a more interesting field of study than economics, but how many have actually tried it? In any case, I'm pretty sure that many economists find their studies to be as interesting as their philosopher counterparts.

Thus far, I have discounted monetary reward, influence on society and interest as yardsticks of the value of knowledge. What else is there? I cannot think of anything at the moment, but my point here is that it is presumptuous and lacking in merit to try ranking knowledge by value. There doesn't seem to be any way of defining the value of knowledge that makes sense and is applicable across all fields.

Quantity and quality of knowledge have been cast aside as the definitions of enlightenment. So perhaps it is a state of mind. That is the point of meditation and all that jazz, right? To achieve an altered state of mind. If so, then those drugged out hippies of the past century were right after all. Being stoned is akin to being in a state of enlightenment. What is the desired state of mind anyway? To think of nothing? To think of everything? The former can be achieved by slipping into a coma. Everybody should just find a way to become brain-dead. The latter is impossible. No one is omniscient. If you are, then good for you, you've just become God. It is simply not possible, because no matter how much you do know, and think about, there is an infinite amount of information you simply do not have. How many people in the world have sneezed in the past second? How do you know that? Maybe enlightenment is simply to think about more stuff than other people, in a different way. In that case, many smart people have reached a state of enlightenment.

Look, I'm not saying there is no such thing as a state of enlightenment, but I am saying that there doesn't seem to be a way of defining it. As such, I don't think it's possible to actually accurately realise that you are in such a state, since we cannot really know what it is. If there were no borders, how would we know which country we were in?

I started out tonight tapping randomly because I couldn't get to sleep. I think I'll go back to trying.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Limitations

Whoop dee doo. Another Valentine's Day has passed. There are people who agonise over what to get for their girlfriends, others who insist on maintaining their integrity by refusing to succumb to the overt commercialism of the occasion, some who mutter and gripe about unappreciative partners. And of course, there will always be those who gather in a pub on such an evening to whine about their lack of luck in the arena of love.

Somehow, I thought I would be more affected this past evening. I thought I would let the pain in my psyche overwhelm my senses again. Apparently I was wrong. If no one else cares, then why should I care?

Oh oh, turns out I'm wrong again. Catching sight of one particular thing has brought some of the hurt back. Not much though, not so much a wrenching pain, but a wistful longing for what was, what might have been. Ah, I know people will misinterpret this again, but I hardly give a damn. I know what the case was, what my desire was. What I wanted was a bond between persons. What I had was illusory. It really isn't all that dramatic. I don't get along very well with her anymore. That's all. I haven't changed, her needs have. Perfectly acceptable. I'll live with that.

I now have a clear idea of my limitations in the arena of romantic entanglement. See, I'm basically a pretty fucked-up fellow. Anyone who gets and stays too close to me will probably be pretty fucked-up by the experience. So if I should actually care for someone, I will keep her away from me. Now is that fucked-up or what?

Ok, had some to drink, having more to drink. I shall sign off here. Look forward to an all new instalment from my era of self-love.

Monday, February 14, 2005

To put it succintly

Fuck