Finally, a break from summer

Most people don't get it, but I really am quite tired of summer. Work was bad, for one thing. For another, I spent most of my summer in Shanghai, which isn't really that bad a city, but not as comfortable as Singapore. Then when I make it back to Singapore, I find that making contact with people is just so much effort. Not that I don't appreciate meeting friends again after not seeing them for so long, but I badly need some rest. And of course, there is the whole debacle with the psycho hints saga. I won't get into it here, but it was quite traumatic.

All in all, I'm actually glad to get a break from summer.

Criteria

Many strange things happened to me today, but in the interests of avoiding offending people and invading privacy and all that, I shall focus on a singular, fairly small thing that irritated me today.

Today, I met a friend of mine, with whom I haven't spoken to for a little while. Now, as glad as I am to speak to anybody who falls under that category, she said something which I found rather offensive. She said there were certain qualifying criteria to be her friend. These are no smoking, no excessive drinking and no flirting. Now, whether or not I personally meet these criteria or not are of no concern to me. It is the very concept of having to qualify for anything in order to retain, maintain or strike up any sort of relationship. I am what I am, and that is something that will not change for anything or anyone.

Ok, that's not entirely accurate. It is completely possible that I may choose to change something about myself if I deem fit. For me to deem it fit, I must choose between that particular aspect of who I am, and the importance of the reason for me changing. For example, if I had a kid, and I thought that any alcohol at all would be harmful to the kid, whether as an example or as an influence on my behaviour, I would cut out all alcoholic consumption. But if I were being judged on my fitness to be a parent, then I do not think that anything of the sort should even be a factor. If it is, then whoever is doing the judging should just buzz off. Everything I do or I am is part of me. The whole. To judge any one aspect of the whole is to judge the entire. If a person should choose to cut off some sort of relationship because I smoke, for example, or I drink sometimes, then I have my sincere doubts as to the value of such a relationship in the first place.

Now, this is not to say that I am perfect, or that there is nothing about myself that I should change. On the contrary, there is a lot that I think I should change about myself. But these changes should occur because I think them necessary or desirable, not because somebody else thinks that I am not acceptable. It is quite a major offense to my sense of self and pride to suggest that I should be something that I am not, though it be a minor alteration, simply because somebody else thinks so. No, that is not acceptable.

I am generally amenable to advice. I may not always follow it, but I am usually willing to listen at least. To claim that I am stubborn would not be inaccurate, but I will listen. To try and enforce a change upon me is asking a bit much. To threaten in order to push a change through is just anathema.

I am who I am. If you want to accept me, then you shall have to accept me whole. No suggestions of tolerance, for if there is something to tolerate, then there is no acceptance. I do not say that no tolerance is necessary, but it is tolerance of the byproducts, of the external representations of myself. Of my self, my habits, the way I think, the way I act, there can be no talk of tolerance. That would be an insult. Perhaps not an insult, per se, but certainly this person could not be my friend.

I know I am flawed. In many ways. I do not deny this. But that is me. To want only parts of me, but not the rest, well, that is impossible. Every part of me is integral. Even the smallest things. The little habits. The way I regulate my breathing sometimes for no real reason. The way I click my teeth occasionally. The way I crack my index knuckles compulsively. The way I wave my fingers before my keyboard at times as if I am threatening the keys. Every little thing is part of me, and cannot be changed if I am to retain this particular sense of me. I will change many of these things, and I will no longer be the same me as before. These changes will come out of my own will, because I choose to. Not because I feel compelled to.

Oh, and on a side note, I watched The Terminal a couple days back. Might as well name it Castaway II. The original is better.

Cruise

I wonder what my priorities are. I can hardly claim to be able to prioritise properly when nothing really seems particularly important. Very little seems to matter to me. Really. Nobody actually believes me on this point. Escapism is such a wonderful thing. Slip away into a world where people care about something. Someone I can feel through actually feeling something.

I prefer friends whom I can talk to about nothing much in particular. They don't have to know me too well. In fact, it's better that they don't. After all, even those who think they know me are deluded. What people know about me is only a set of assumptions. People assume so many things about me. Things they extrapolate from my actions, my words. Mistaken.

Is pride really all that important to me? Pride is little more than a support, a prop, an armour that keeps me together. Yet, so many think it is part of me. I do not know if it is. Perhaps I am the one who is mistaken, and I am little more than the collection of what I present. That is far more interesting than being what I instinctively am. My gut reactions to things appall me. That too is a gut reaction. Then again, maybe that is only what I present to myself.

I am finally back home. Finally. But I hardly feel anything at all. Home is just another place. How can I feel any real attachment to a place? Perhaps I can. There was a time when I thought that home was this wonderful, mystical place where I longed to be. Now I recognise that is simply not true. What is there to miss here? The people? Strangely, I have little emotion boiling beneath my placid exterior. Not even a matter of coldness, just a bland sort of dullness.

What is the answer to my dilemma? I hold the phone in my hand, thinking about making a call, but give in to my defensive mechanisms and start toying with its functions instead. I simply don't feel up to making any effort these days. Maybe it's time to let the effort come from without rather than within. After all, I don't think there's all that much to give now. There never was, but in the past, I would draw from the shell to expand. Too much effort to do that these days. I need to draw from something. There has to be something outside of myself to feed on, or continual output is just exhausting. I don't feel any emotional feedback. Everyone seems to be asking something of me, and I cannot summon any more at the moment.

When I said I prefer friends who don't know me too well, perhaps I was wrong. I met a friend just now purely by accident, someone I haven't seen in a couple of years. By complete chance, she was at the coffeeshop where I paused to buy a drink. Ended up having an utterly superficial chat about nothing in particular. I heard about life at work, I had my obligatory whine about my work over the summer. No effort required. Then when I walked her back to her flat, feeling a bit sad that there was nothing to talk about for more than half an hour, she just hugged me and said it was good to see me again. I was a bit surprised for a moment, then realised it was nice. The physical grabbing was a bit uncomfortable, but it was a nice sentiment, and I appreciated it. I had done nothing more than let myself do the easiest thing I could do, and it was appreciated. No need to do or say anything interesting, smart, funny, dramatic. Just cruise. But my effort wasn't important. I think I try too hard sometimes to be who I think I am.

I just feel like sleeping for a few weeks, then slipping back into the cocoon of school, where life is simple, socialising is optional and rest is mandatory. Simplicity is so appealing that I don't know why I try so hard.