Caricatures

Hmmm, been home for nearly two weeks now. Been doing the usual things, I suppose. Running about eating stuff, meeting friends old and new, resting at home. Seem to be doing a lot of the last. Running out of energy. I really don't understand how some people can socialise all day. Come on, three groups of friends a day? I can hardly summon the energy for one. Maybe it's just me, and it's normal for people to frantically get together. Maybe I'm simply low on energy, patience, social skills. Hmmm, sounds about right. I've spent a lot of time thinking I should break out of this shell of mine. Even my closest friends say I'm aloof and cold at times. Which is probably true. Upon some self-analysis, I've come to the conclusion that I cordon off sections of myself in all my social interactions. That is, I present certain aspects of myself to certain people, and other aspects to other people. It's tailored to each group, and to each individual.

Within groups, there are certain types of self I present. To some groups, I am the quiet, retiring, good kid. These are mostly my family, people I get to know in academic or work environments. Then there is the slightly more confident, self-assured, domineering me. There is also the earnest, enthusiastic me. All different types of me. Which is the real one? I don't know, and it seems a moot point, considering how artificial everything is in the end. For clarification, go read the archives.

Then within each group, each individual gets a more tailored version of myself. This should be fairly clear to most people. Each individual person you interact with requires you to put on a slightly different facade, to speak in a slightly different way, to focus on topics of conversation or activities that are of interest or considered suitable for the individual. I must admit that this more detailed tailoring of the self to particular individuals is far from complete. I do characterise people in certain ways, and there is some unfair grouping of personalities. I treat some people in ways that are similar, when perhaps differentiation might be more suitable. I caricature people, assigning them a generalised form of social self that is unfair and probably inaccurate. Ok, this might seem a bit ridiculous. If I present an inauthentic self to others, what does it matter if the people I perceive are not seen accurately? It's all a lie anyway. Well, not so. We all play a game, and being able to respect all the players is the only way to stay sane while playing it. Respecting others is, of course, only another way of giving things value so that I can feel better about myself, but we use what methods are available to us, yes?

To break free of this inaccurate caricaturing of others, there needs to be a major revolution in the way I think about the world. The problem is that while I do think it is possible to alter some contents of my mental set myself, changing the entire framework is quite impossible. the contents can be altered, but the methods cannot be changed using the same methods. That would require introduction of an external force. So it doesn't seem quite possible for me to treat each individual with the detail and effort required to acquire a full understanding of his or her presented self. All I can do is try, but the generalisation will continue.

Some day, I will explain how I change the contents of my mind. I think it's quite interesting, and I found something very analogous to it in a book by Roger Zelazny I read recently. That day, however, is not today, as I need to go wash up and head out for dinner now.