Feeding

God, I hate addictions. Ok, wait, I don't hate addictions, I hate being addicted. Addictions are usually pretty pleasant. It's when you can't get enough of it that things start becoming a little messy.

I've been distracting myself from the pull of one addiction by feeding another. The one I'm feeding is some random television serial from China about the eight pieces of a dragon in the sky. I cannot tell you how much the monk in that serial irritates me. Honestly, who on earth is that indecisive? Indecision is a remarkably infuriating trait. I cannot stand it. Decisions are there to be dealt with. Make a choice and live with it.

Ok, I realise that's pretty hypocritical coming from me, considering my complete failure to make certain decisions. But that's a decision too, to let the decision rest. In the face of a lack of sufficient information, it hardly seems appropriate to do anything hastily. Note that I classify my own feelings on the matter under the category of information that feeds into the decision. If I cannot be certain as to my desires on the matter, I think it's a little much to ask me to choose something.

So the question arises of how I can be uncertain of my own desires? Aren't desires emotional responses? To a large extent, they are. Either you want something or you do not. There is the initial emotional response, which involves, I suppose you can refer to it as a gut feeling about something. Later, as more information about the subject is obtained, whether via external input or due to internal evaluation of previous input, a more processed response becomes possible. Still, it is entirely likely that the first gut feeling lingers. At this point, if the processed response varies from the gut feeling, then there will be another evaluation of the two. Thus the processed response evolves. Willpower simply refers to the decision as to which of the emotional responses a person selects to follow.

It is worth noting that a logical thought is in many ways also an emotional response. It is an expression of the desire to choose an action that is congruent with whatever logical end that is relevant. The end point of logic is always a simple emotional desire to which can hardly be assigned any reason. These may include survival, wealth, family, and so on. These are all essentially desires that have no grounding internally in anything but a pure want. What is the reason, after all, that any person does not desire to die? It is a reflexive desire. If we wish to elaborate upon it, we can cite an infinite number of reasons, from religion to dependents, but when it comes to the point of decision, it is an instinct. Perhaps the instinct is grounded in some biological failsafe that encourages the species to not commit collective suicide, but as an individual dealing with himself or herself, it is no more than the reflex of an insect defending itself.

Alright, I can barely type. So I'll cut this off. Some other time.