Choose

Hmmm, it's quite remarkable how much clarity the downslide of alcohol gives you. The high is nothing but silliness, enjoyable silliness, to be sure, but nothing serious or really useful. When you force yourself to stop drinking, and eventually slide into the melancholic mood that must accompany this state of recovery from alcholic euphoria, there can sometimes be found the greatest insights into yourself. Maybe it is because the inhibitions are still down, but the the physical self is still. Then you can make a far fuller and clearer examination of your own mind.

It is at one such moment last night that I came to a conclusion about myself. I had a sore throat, and at one point in the middle of a party, I stopped drinking long enough to feel the pain of the abused throat, so I stopped altogether. At this point, I naturally started to become more and more quiet and still. So I retreated to a side room and looked out the window for a couple of hours. At this point, I was able to look at myself carefully, both figuratively and literally, for the reflection was clear in the window. And things became clearer and clearer, the confusion that has been clouding my mind was swept away, and I came to know something about myself. No, that would be inaccurate. I knew it all along, but I had denied it. In fact, I am not so certain I did not know it consciously. In any case, this was the first time I allowed it to come to the fore of my mind, and the first time I attempted to sort it out and confront the issue instead of brushing it aside.

So when I faced the issue and thought it through, I realised that I could not solve it as simply as I do most things in life. This was something that had a resolution that could only be truly satisfactory if someone else took up the issue as well. The problem here is that I may not be willing to force action. The alternative would be to solve the issue by detaching myself from it. Disavowing any connection and severing any links. Could this be the solution? For if I allowed things to drag on, the only loser would be myself. I truly do not see any way I could really obtain a profit from it, for there is little profit to be had. The costs thus far have been grave, but they are already sunk. Is it time to cut losses and run? If it is, maybe I should do so as quickly as possible. Or should I make an attempt to gamble and try for a profit? No, the investment is essentially lost, I cannot win it now.

I obviously cannot let things lie, as the losses will become greater and greater. Perhaps I should just cut and run now. It seems as good a time as any other, and the losses will be minimised. Yes, I think that is the way for me now. Very well, that is the path I choose.