Social animals

I am so tired of pretending to be sociable. I'm really not a person who even vaguely enjoys people. I just don't. I'm not being cynical, not being deliberately anti-social, not being grouchy. I'm simply being true to myself. I don't enjoy people all that much.

I am so looking forward to spending a few days alone in Rome, where I won't know anyone, and I don't speak the language. A little sphere of isolation in the midst of millions of people. It's been so long since I've done something like that. I think that's why even in Singapore, I enjoy going to movies early on weekday mornings. There aren't any people in the theatres in the mornings, and then I just chill out and take a walk through the hdb estates, or the parks. I detest the surroundings, but chances are that I won't know anybody there, and nobody will bother me.

I I I I I. I need so much to withdraw a little bit, to forget that there are other people in the world. I don't really want a posse. A personal assistant might be nice though, just to make sure that nobody bothers me, and things go smoothly enough that I don't need to talk to anyone unless I feel like it. The automated world of science fiction nightmares actually sounds pretty appealing. Interact purely with machines, people don't go near you, you don't need to read people. Machines are predictable, that is their nature and their point. If a machine is unpredictable, then it considered faulty. A person is not in need of other persons. Honestly, it is so tiring to read and manipulate others. Yes, manipulate, for what is an interaction other than an attempt to get what you want out of the other, whether that be material gain or something as simple as a smile.

Some people are quite impossible to read, at least for me. Actually, that's not true. There is hardly anyone I cannot read to my satisfaction, but there are people whom I cannot understand. It is like a book. Some books you can read, but cannot understand what possessed the author to hold such views. People don't think like that, do they? Apparently, they do. What scares me about such people is that I cannot effectively manipulate them if I find their motivations unintelligible. Meaning only exists as far as one's own sphere of understanding, and anything that exists outside of it is impossible to know or to control. Failure to exert control is completely unacceptable. I need control. Perhaps that is why I prefer my own company. I can control myself, given time. Even if I cannot fully control my own mind and emotions in a given amount of time, at the least, I understand myself. I am self-aware, a state which is the absolute qualifier for sentience, in my opinion. Being self-aware, I find it difficult to accept being unable to be aware of others. Despite any illusions of understanding of others I may maintain, the truth is that there are always depths which I have yet to plumb. I cannot fully understand another person, for that would require a complete knowledge of the other, coupled with a full comprehension of personality, which is not possible, given that I am ot that person. So that point of view is beyond me. The best I can do is to simulate it. Simulations are not fully realistic, for I cannot know everything about anybody. Even myself, I can only approach understanding, not reach it.

I want to be alone for a while. Maybe I can pretend to be Descartes and lock myself in a room for a while. I liked my winter break this year. I was mostly alone in my apartment, doing what I wanted, going out only when I felt like it. For three weeks, I was fairly isolated. I talked to few people, and never felt lonely. Some people say it gets boring to be alone. Well, they clearly do not understand the boredom I experience when I speak but say nothing. I do not need people. Man may be a social animal, but I wish to be an anomaly. Isn't that what we all want?